The only interesting thing about the way the story is constructed is how Littlejohn creates extraneous, one-dimensional characters to prove he's not a Nazi. Mickey French, for example, is married to a Greek Cypriot. There is also a highly principled black man.

Get the message? Richard Littlejohn is NOT racist.

So far, so bad. But as you labour through Littlejohn's subnormal satire, every so often you chance upon one of his appalling sex scenes.

Take the character Roberta Peel, a senior policewoman who is tipped to be commissioner of the Met. She's actually a Marxist infiltrator trying to destroy the system from the inside. Her sexual predilections include: masturbating with a bust of Karl Marx, masturbating with a truncheon, masturbating with a gun barrel and being handcuffed to the bed and being penetrated with a truncheon by a man wearing a balaclava. Oh, and masturbating with the handle of a knife used in an assault.

Here's a sample of dialogue:

'OH MY GOD! PUSH! HARDER! FUCK YOU! FUCKING FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK! JEEEEESUS! FAAAAAAAAAAAARK!'

Nice. It's worth noting that the aforementioned leftie lawyer is gay - and possibly a paedophile - with a penchant for spanking youths. Aren't they all?

Then there's the relationship between Ilie, a Romanian immigrant who's living it up courtesy of soft-touch Britain. He's engaged in a passionate relationship with Maria, another asylum seeker. Here's one of their couplings:

'This was raw sex in its literal sense. In other circumstances it would have constituted a violent rape.'

Well, what else would we expect from Romanians?

Even when describing his hero's sexual liaisons, Littlejohn can't resist a tawdry gag. Here is an only-slightly-edited sexual encounter between Mickey and his lovely Greek-Cypriot wife Andi, who are staying at a 'Goblin's' (geddit?) holiday camp. The 'Goblin's' bit is important, so keep it in mind.

'She looked up at him, doe-eyed, squeezed hard and lightly kissed the tip of his now-engorged dick. 'You just lie there. This one's on me,' she said as she took him in her mouth.

'you've heard the expression: when in Rome?'

'Uh, uuugh,' Mickey grunted in acknowledgement.

'Well, as the lady said,' Andi smiled as Mickey's scrotum tightened, 'Welcome to Goblin's.'

We don't know whether to laugh or become engorged. Or perhaps go and have a hot shower to try and feel less dirty. 'Andi smiled as Mickey's scrotum tightened.' There's a sentence you won't forget in a hurry.

It's not exactly shocking that Littlejohn's book is rubbish. But it is surprising to discover the cess-pit which is Littlejohn's sexual self.

You couldn't make it up. But Richard Littlejohn can.

...

For an extremely amusing argument between Littlejohn and Will Self, go here.